99 days and counting

Finally, the time has come where my ORD date is less than 3 digits long. What I have learnt so far?
Singaporeans who come pass the Checkpoint are by large, a big bunch of idiots. Not all of them, but an alarmingly big percentage nonetheless. I mean, you know about the infamous causeway jams, you know Malaysia is the crime capital of the world, you know that you would be safer falling down the MRT tracks then walking outside a shopping mall in Johore Bahru, but yet you still want to go to that damn forsaken place up north?

And when you come back into Singapore, what is so earth-shattering about being checked by us for a mere 5 mins? Frankly, I am ashamed to be a Singaporean judging by the antics of Singaporeans I have come across and will continue to come across for 99 more days. Here is a list of frequent idiotic Singaporean behaviours:

The I'm-a-Civil-Servant Idiot

-Informing me that you are in the Army, Police, or whatever government sector civil-slave. Frankly, I don't give a damn. You work with Government means you are automatically given diplomatic immunity issit? All the more you should know that I'm just trying to do my job to protect the country you blardy donkey. Shut up and know your role lah jabronies.

The My-Time-Is-Too-Precious Idiot

- Telling me that I am wasting your time. If being checked for 5 mins is a bloody waste of your time, no problem. You go and tell the entire police force to stop working. I mean, its a waste of time what. When Osama and his cronies saunter through immigration, no need to check lah, surely no guns or explosives, only got long beards. They blow up your neighbourhood and slaughter your entire family. Maybe you should tell him that he's wasting your time also lah. Idiots. Here I am trying my best to protect our nation and you are more concerned about your 5 mins being wasted. What type of inbred swamp amoeba are you?

The "I'm-Innocence-Defined" Idiot

- Insisting that I am wasting MY time. Checking you is futile because you insist you are the hugely popular candidate for the papalcy and you are so saintly that you shape the future of mankind. Hello Mr pubic lice, if I can tell you are honest-to-goodness just by looking at you and your vehicle, I won't be working here you know. Because most likely, I would also be blessed with the ability to know your exact age, HIV status, criminal records, salary, how you got caught masturbating to pictures of your primary school crush and how often you change your stained underwear. Perhaps I would use my abilities to find other people like me and together we would seek the tutelage of a wealthy balding cripple who ridiculously names himself Professor X. Until the day I can fire beams of red hot lasers from my eyes, I will check your ass and your stupid vehicle, bitch.

The I'm-Going-To-Complain Idiot

- This particular idiot is the most deadly form of bacteria in the world. Every little thing you do that seems not to cater to his taste, will result in a complaint, preferably insisting that your job is terminated. Dear complainant, if I am a Regular, maybe I would be cowering in fear of your powers, but unfortunately for you, I'm just an NSman. And unfortunately for you, I'm a seasoned mofo NSman who deals with idiots like yourself on a daily basis. But FORTUNATELY for you, I'll go about my duty paying careful attention to provide you with the upmost in service quality and standards. This high level of dedication to my craft requires that my check be very thorough and stringent and naturally it takes more time to complete. If you find yourself stranded and agitated for a good half hour with me, don't worry, I'll smile every step of the way. Who says Singaporean service standards is appaling??

So my dear readers, please advice anyone who intends to go to Malaysia, not to be like the idiots above. I'm just doing my job and getting closer to my Yamaha Yzf-R1.

I Know I've Truly Arrived When...

1. People stop eating fruits because I don't.
2. I choose to work because it's my hobby.
3. I have a Polar bear enclosure for my two furry pets, Snowy & Miguel.
4. I hold interviews & auditions for the position of my Residential Manageress (read: Maid)
5. Succesful applicants include Christy Chung, Liv Tyler & Gisele Bundchen.
6. I could have a bionic body - if I wanted
7. Then I would be called the Mega-Billion-Dollar-Stud
8. My butler's name is Jeeves
9. I own a yellow Lamborghini Murcielago
10. The Sultan of Brunei dances for me on my birthday